I want to pretend that I’m okay but I am not.
I want to keep my words but I have to write.
I feel physical weakness right now and I’m depressed and I’m crying. I don’t want you to pity me but these are just those days and symptoms when you’re taking steroids for quite a long time.
I really don’t want to say it all, but I guess this is me right now.
I’m an AOSD patient, diagnosed the second time. From taking Pred 20mg for 2 weeks last March, right now, I’m at my Pred 5mg dosage until I reach 2.5mg.
Now I’m having these occasional side effects like anxiety disorders, depression, suicidal thoughts, fatigue/weakness, and weight loss.
Yes, I admit. But nobody knows. Only God knows how weak I am. Maybe I’d admit it to some friends and even parents, but you know, they’d just tell you that you’re gonna be fine, don’t focus on the weakness of your health, think positive, ignore your pain.
But I don’t want to.
I’ve been going back to my doctor each time I change my dosage, and I’m always alone. Praise God for my doctor for being so kind. But, you see, once your checkup is done, and you wear a protective mask and people would just look at you like you’re feeling normal. And at home, they would just treat you the same.
I mean, I’m not asking to be treated like a baby or a cancer patient. I’m just tired of knowing that people tend to cover their pain and sometimes pretending that life is not hard. That most people ignore what they should be aware of, and what should be paying attention of, of what needs to consider when things turn bad.
It seems like I’m having these thoughts that instead of pretending to be normal, I prefer to just be admitted in a mental institution or a hospital, just to relax and admit that I am sick.
I’m really sick, inside and out. Please don’t stop me from admitting that I am weak. I am really weak and please accept it. I have medicines to take and it has side effects, so please understand when I feel so depressed right now and I m writing this to you.
You see, I am different and I want you to understand that. Can you please just listen to my woes? Can you just please hug me when I needed it?
Please don’t take away the fact that I needed you to care.